


Forgive me lover, for I’ve been lonely.

by reiicharu



Category: Japanese Actor RPF, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Alluded Infidelity, Complicated Relationships, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-22
Updated: 2013-11-22
Packaged: 2018-01-02 08:25:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1054622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reiicharu/pseuds/reiicharu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>There’s a lot of things she could have, should have, might have had or been. </i> Shibasaki Kou and everything else, everyone else who didn't matter (when they really mattered too much).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forgive me lover, for I’ve been lonely.

**Author's Note:**

> I genuinely have no idea how I decided that this would be a good idea. Let's write the woman who might have been responsible for Matsumoto Jun's terrible break-up hair. I blame Kimura Takuya and Shibasaki Kou for their amazing chemistry. Fukuyama cameos for being the sexiest middle aged man there is.

 

 

 

 

 

To her face, they say she’s a beauty, she’s a gem and she’s going to be an international star. A real actress, all those promises of starlight and larger than life moments. Behind her back, she’s the whore who’s just waiting for the right man to come along.

 

Sometimes, Kou doesn’t know which she wants to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the truth that she’s not completely in love with Matsumoto Jun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kimura Takuya asks her what does she want now, you’ve got this far. What do you really want.

 

You, Kou will tell him. I want you, I want you and that’s all I’ve wanted for awhile. I got this far to take steps closer to you.

 

He looks at her, pityingly so. As though he expected better.

 

Kou wishes she could do better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This thing of yours, Fukuyama asked her, the entire bitch faced angel with talent and a voice and a mouth perfect to kiss. He was uninterested, she wore a blouse tight across her chest, with a bra that pushed up her tits and she didn’t even want him. She just wanted to see if he noticed, if there’s going to be anything, some sort of moment and he just glanced over and asked if this is going to be them for the next three months.

 

Kou said no, I just wanted to see if you cared.

 

No, he told her. You aren’t all that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fukuyama Masaharu wrote her a song, just one song and he never sang it but only wrote it and it wasn’t about her. He wrote her a song, not about her but Kou likes to think that she had one up on him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Truthfully, she’s too far in to turn back. What can she do, lead a normal life. Open a shop, cook for a man and think that her day’s done.

 

Kou won’t settle for that, she knows herself well enough. She’s a star, she’s a diamond in a mine, she’s more than this world really sees.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You’re beautiful, Jun tells her. As though he really means it, heart on his sleeve because despite it all, Matsumoto Jun is human and he wants to love, be loved and he tries to search for some goodness in them all. As though maybe, he might find it in her because maybe she’ll understand.

 

The parallels are there, young idols thrown into the lights and they’ve come out stronger for it.

 

Do you feel anything for me, he asks her, before he even says he loves her. Just casually one day over coffee in his apartment and this is a measured question because Jun is always deliberate, there’s no messing around with this type of thing. As though you want to be here, with me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’ll never leave his wife, Kou tells herself.

 

I’ll never leave my wife, Kimura tells her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think you should take a look at yourself, and the people you’re with. And what you’re using to define myself, and Masaharu leaves it at that.

 

Sometimes, he calls her but this is to check up to see if she’s wearing heels with skirts that should be longer, to tell her to eat more and smile more, to stop being silly and go for the kill. Go and be better than you are, just because you’re good doesn’t mean you should stop.

 

You shouldn’t care, she wants to tell him.

 

Kou lets him care.

 

 

 

 

 

Fight for me, she screams at Jun. You want me to stop, then tell me to stop. Make me want you.

 

I’m not going to play these games, and Jun doesn’t argue anymore. Jun is tired, Jun has been through more than she has, Jun matters more because he’s Matsumoto Jun and she’s the social climbing whore who got into his bed.

 

If you want me to be with you, then make me. Make me want you, make me feel something.

 

If you aren’t feeling something, he tries to stop at there. But she dares him, dares him to say it. If you aren’t there, then there’s no point for this to go on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She chooses roles that aren’t really sweet, she chooses to be more than a fallen angel, more than a wallflower. Smarts, sharp edges and wit, beauty with brains.

 

Who would want that, she thinks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I should just make you my lead, Kimura said once more. I should just always make you my leading lady, and she asked if that’s because he wants them to live a lie.

 

Would it make you happy, he asked her. What makes you happy.

 

You, she said.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He didn’t speak to her for months, he didn’t want to hear anymore.

 

Kou can understand why.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know what they want from me, she said to him and Jin lit up a cigarette, offered it to her. They were there together, in jackets and standing on the grass and in a field, they were together in Budapest and looking out across stretching plains with horses and cameras and no one to tell them to bow, to smile, to bend to the rules.

 

I don’t think I can do it anymore, Jin admitted.

 

So don’t.

 

He laughed. Right, because I want to end my career.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Congratulations, she texted him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He called her, three months later and when they announced it. Baby and all. I told you, I’m not doing it anymore. Maybe you should follow suit.

 

The rules are different. This much Jin will never, could never understand. He can go up in flames and he’ll come out as the misunderstood rebel with rugged good looks and a record deal. Kou will always be a homewrecking slut, ambitious and talentless and not enough, give us more, not enough, give us everything you have and look, you’re not what we want.

 

So she let him have that, she let him go on and have his happy ending. That is, if he’s even happy at all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This has to stop, she tells him. You’re married.

 

We’re not doing anything.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love you, she said to Jun. I love you because you think there’s something good about me.

 

This was after they broke up, after she let him walk away—she pushed him, he left—but Jun said okay, that’s fine. Thank you for telling me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She can understand why. It’s not enough, it’s never enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She could have happiness. She could have more. She just wants what she can’t have. Which could have been, what might have been. She’ll never have him—doesn’t know if him means Kimura or Jun or someone else in the not so distant future—and then she could have had something that defines her, some breakout moment in a drama that proves she’s versatile, she’s here to stay.

 

There’s a lot of things she could have, should have, might have had or been.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Kimura Takuya makes her his leading lady and Shibasaki Kou lets it happen.

 

She’s living a lie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then again, she has been for a rather long time. 


End file.
